11 minutes
Discover twelve life lessons to cultivate growth, joy, and resilience.
I turned 50 on June 29th, and this milestone has prompted me to reflect on my life and how I hope to shape my next 50 years. Like everyone, I've experienced hardships, failures, lessons, heartache, and successes, gaining wisdom along the way.
The past few years have brought unexpected challenges, along with joy and success. As I continue this journey, I am focusing on certain principles and intentionally cultivating them in my life. I am still making mistakes, failing, and learning, growing as a parent, partner, leader, and friend. Sometimes I take three steps forward and two steps back, but the process of understanding myself and others, and striving for continuous self-improvement, will never cease.
Here are the twelve principles and key focus areas I'm fostering as I enter this new decade. While I am not perfect at them, I have gained an awareness of how they have positively impacted my life recently. I am confident that by cultivating these practices, I can make this next decade the best one yet.
1. Be with what is. Over the past year, I have developed this mantra to keep me focused on intentionally responding to situations instead of reacting to them. I’ve said this phrase so many times lately, that one of my friends bought me a plaque with this mantra. 😊 There have been several occasions this past year that I could have stayed paralyzed by fear, anxiety, or overwhelm. This mantra has helped me to feel those feelings, but not stay in that negative emotional space. For example, last summer, I learned that the publisher I had been working with for my leadership book went out of business. I lost significant money, and it was very disappointing. I felt angry, frustrated, and anxious for several weeks as I processed this situation. I allowed myself to feel the feelings, but didn’t stay stuck in them. I can’t change what happened, but I can focus on the future. Within a month, I found a new publisher, and a year later, I am focused on finishing my book rather than what happened with my original publisher. Be with what is. “What is” could be traffic, your child’s bad grade, or the rain on your vacation. This mantra is about focusing on the energy that will move you into a better mindset to move forward in the best way possible so that you don’t stay stuck in negative space that leaves you feeling helpless. This doesn’t mean not feeling the emotions around the situation—we can acknowledge and validate our feelings, and even honor that we may feel negative for a period of time, without staying stuck and giving up our power to move forward.
2. Our disadvantages can become our advantages. In life, we will all experience challenges and events that are out of our control. What we choose to do with those challenges can shape how we experience our life. In July 2008, I left my executive job at a credit union to start my leadership consulting business. I was full of hope, excitement, and energy about the impact I wanted to make in organizations, especially credit unions. Two months later, the economy crashed, and the financial crisis shook the business world. My previous CEO, who had asked me to consult part time for my previous credit union, withdrew his offer. I had just gotten married the month before, and my husband, who is a Realtor, was feeling the impact in his business. I began thinking that I shouldn’t have left my comfortable, secure job, and went through a very challenging time as I tried to cope with my new reality. While at the time this experience was painful and difficult, it forced me to work hard, market my business, and get into action. Had my old boss hired me to consult and had the economy not crashed, I probably would have become comfortable consulting for my previous credit union part time and not worked as hard to build my business. What initially may seem like a disadvantage can often become an advantage if you channel the learnings into something better.
3. Don’t throw logs on the fire. As proof that I am always learning and evolving, this is a new mantra I created for myself last week. Several years ago, I completed a certification for a program that was developed by a well-known leadership influencer who has done very impactful work. I invested a lot of time and money in this program, and last week, this person announced a new partnership that would essentially make our current certification obsolete. Many people who went through the certification with me were upset, angry and frustrated by this change. While I am not happy about this development, I knew that reaching out to a couple of colleagues to complain together for an hour was not the energy I wanted to create. I told myself, “Don’t throw logs on the fire”. Not to say that I’m not frustrated, but for me, I knew that stirring up more negative emotions around this situation would not change it, and only keep me in a negative space. This is about protecting my mental energy and not creating deeper negative emotions that won’t serve me or the situation.
4. Everyone has a story. We are all human beings living a human experience, and sometimes that experience is hard. Or joyous. Or both. Everyone around you is dealing with things behind the scenes that are not visible to everyone. I call this our backstage. We see other people’s front stage—whether it’s social media posts about their amazing vacations, amazing children, and amazing life, or the fact that they look happy and productive at work. Behind the scenes, they may be dealing with a sick parent, a child with special needs, a health crisis, or their youngest child leaving for college. They may be experiencing good things too like the birth of a grandchild, attaining their degree, or purchasing a new home. If we can approach every relationship knowing that everyone has a story, and cultivate empathy, curiosity, and compassion for others, we can create better relationships, better teams, and better organizations.
5. Stop thinking everyone should be like you. In my work as a leadership consultant, one of the biggest contributors to challenges in the workplace is thinking that everyone should be like you. Of course, people don’t really think they think people should be like them. 😊 Most people aren’t conscious of the fact that when you have a challenge with a colleague, your boss, your partner, or a friend, many times it’s because you are stuck in this mindset that people should see the world how you see it. Shifting this mindset can have a profoundly positive impact on your relationships. One is focused on judgement, the other curiosity. We each have a different upbringing, background, childhood, personality, preferences, and values that impact how we filter our view of the world. None of us is objective. We are all biased humans who see the world through our own unique lens. Bringing awareness to this can help you to pause, see another’s perspective, have compassion for others, and be curious about their experience.
6. Beware of Compare. In our curated society where most people are posting their highlights on social media, it can feel like everyone else’s life is amazing. We compare their front stage to our backstage, and it makes us feel inadequate because we focus on what we don’t have. President Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. We can shift out of comparison by focusing on what we do have, and what we can control. I follow several fantastic entrepreneurs who have created thriving business that are making a huge impact in the world. That is the kind of business I aspire to develop, and sometimes I can fall into the trap of feeling bad about where I am compared to where they are. I mentally tell myself to use their impact as inspiration rather than discouragement. I can see what someone has created and be inspired to work hard to create my own impact instead of feeling terrible about myself.
7. Your Future Self is Wise. When you feel stuck, are comparing yourself to others, or aren’t sure what path to take, ask your Future Self for wisdom and guidance. I often ask myself, “What would my 95-year-old self tell me to do right now?”. In most cases, my Future Self would tell me to take the risk, step into discomfort, let it go, or enjoy life more fully. Your Future Self often has the answers you are looking for.
8. Focus on the Gain, not the Gap. This goes hand in hand with Beware of Compare. Most times, when we feel frustrated and discouraged by where we are, it’s because we are focusing on the gap between where we are and where we want to be, rather than focusing on the gains we have made from where we originally started. I learned of this concept from one of my mentors, Dan Sullivan, who wrote a book on this topic. Don’t focus on the gap, focus on the gain.
9. Most discomfort is good. Most people avoid discomfort as much as possible. All growth, improvement, and success comes from first having the courage to step into discomfort. Normalizing discomfort in your life can have a huge impact on moving you toward your goals and dreams. Anything that we want but don’t yet have is outside our comfort zone. It took me many years to realize that the consistent discomfort I was feeling was positive, not negative, because I often step into something new or focus on elevating my skills. It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s necessary for all development. Starting a new job, a promotion, speaking in front of people, telling someone you’re sorry, going back to school will all stir up feelings of discomfort. Have the courage to do it anyway.
10. Completely disconnect on vacation. For many years, I didn’t disconnect from email when I was on vacation, because I convinced myself that I needed to be available. Completely disconnecting on vacation is a simple practice, yet can be one the smartest things you do as a leader and a person to truly relax, rejuvenate, and be present in your life. No one says at the end of their life that they wished they worked more. Now that I’m in the mid-life stage, I see how fast time moves and how important enjoying life is. Don’t wait until you retire to travel and enjoy life. Work will be there when you get back. You will be more refreshed, energized, and creative when you return, and you will be a better leader by modeling healthy boundaries.
11. Joy is a daily practice, and happiness is not a goal to attain. I listened to this podcast episode with Mel Robbins a few months ago, and I found it really insightful. Mel interviewed a psychiatrist who talked about how in our society, we often tie happiness to achieving external goals. The psychologist and researcher shared that focusing on being happier in each day--by creating joyful moments, is really the key to fulfillment. Happiness is not something we attain; it’s cultivated by focusing on joyful moments each day.
12. Growth is an evolution. I’ve met many leaders, particularly executives, who think they have worked hard to make their way to the top of the organization and don’t need to adapt, learn, or change late in their career. I recently overheard a leader proudly declare, “Well, I am who I am, and I’m not changing”. While there is value in knowing our preferences and who we are and embracing our authenticity, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any more to learn. Our world is always changing, and what worked twenty years ago or even five years ago doesn’t work now. The best leaders (and humans) are always curious about themselves and others. They don’t coast their way to retirement, expecting others to adapt to them while they stay rooted in their way of doing things. They never stop the inner work of understanding themselves and how they can be better, for their own life, and for others. The best leaders are self-aware and cultivate a mindset of growth.
What would you add to this list based on your own years of experience and wisdom? I am embracing 50, and all the lessons and learnings I will experience over this next decade and beyond.
Laurie Maddalena, MBA, CSP, CPCC, is a certified executive coach, leadership consultant and founder of CUES Supplier member Envision Excellence LLC in the Washington, D.C., area. Her mission is to create exceptional cultures by teaching leaders how to be exceptional. Maddalena facilitates management and executive training programs and team-building sessions and speaks at leadership events. Prior to starting her business, she was an HR executive at a $450 million credit union. Contact her at 240.605.7940 or info@lauriemaddalena.com
