3 minutes
The basics of good communication
In the 1970s, there was a perfume commercial that said, “If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper.” While that may work on TV, it probably isn’t a great strategy for problem-solving with a co-worker, or for talking to your partner about an annoying habit. So how do you get someone’s attention in a meaningful way? And once you’ve gotten it, how can you communicate most effectively?
There are several key components that can help you get your point across and make others be more apt to listen: getting their attention, knowing your audience, actively listening and considering mutual interests. It’s also good to be clear about your goal for the conversation ahead of time. Are you asking for something specific? Looking for clarification? Do you hope to resolve a conflict? If you can start practicing communicating effectively about little things, you’ll have developed some skills that can help you get through more difficult conversations. Here’s a strategy to get you started:
1. Respectfully ask for the person’s attention—“Could I have about 15 minutes of your time to talk? When would it be good for you?” Asking if people are available shows that you realize their time has value. If someone is busy, stressed, or over-committed, he or she will be challenged to pay attention and the conversation will be doomed before it starts. Think of this first step as an invitation, since you want to be sure the person is free to join you.
2. Know your audience—This is an often-unrecognized component in effective communication. Is your listener a “big picture” person who prefers an overview and gets impatient with details? Or, is she a detail-oriented person who needs all the possible information to feel like she fully understands before she responds? Does your listener talk to think? Does he brainstorm out loud to figure out what he thinks or feels? Or, is your listener someone who thinks to talk, someone who may need time to process information before answering? It’s helpful to know your listener’s style, if possible, so you can reach him or her most successfully.
3. Be a generous listener—Listen as intently as you speak. Use eye contact, facial expressions, nodding and non-verbal responses. Include paraphrasing as you listen. When you summarize what you’ve heard—which may be someone’s response to what you’ve said—you’re showing respect, it gives the other person a chance to clarify and present their concerns and ideas, and it sets the stage for problem-solving through conveying openness.
4. Consider mutual interests—Your words will have more weight if you’ve taken the time to consider the other person’s perspective—what might he/she need in this situation? What might his/her position be? How could both of your interests be served?
Whether it’s asking your boss for a raise, broaching a touchy subject with your vendor or enlisting your co-worker’s help with a project, try the steps outlined above for a more satisfying conversation and, hopefully, a successful outcome.
Jaime Carter-Seibert, MA, LMHC, is senior clinical account executive at First Choice Health EAP, Seattle.
If you liked this post you might be interested in hearing speakers address “Partnership is the New Leadership, “The Power of Storytelling” and “Strategies for Winning with Empowered Members” at CUES’ Execu/Net, slated for Aug. 19-22 in Sedona, Ariz.
